She DID get in.

This time last year, I had written a post about our little Melody not getting a letter or a school place; she’d never had the chance.

That long awaited email arrived this week for Mini Red, offering us our first (and only) choice of school. I hadn’t expected it to feel so emotional; it hasn’t been what I had imagined it would be, I thought I would be more excited.

But instead a heart stopping feeling; when we can’t decide whether the first choice on paper is really a choice at all. Throughout the morning of receiving the email, I had this awful feeing in the pit of my stomach, almost terror about the whole thing; selfishly for me for social and anxiety reasons, for her too of course, the worry of her being left behind for play dates and parties. But I guess that is my job to worry, I’m her Mum.

As the days have moved by since this email, thinking more about her even beginning school as a bigger picture, rather than just the things that are weighing heavy on me.

It has made me incredibly emotional; I cannot believe we are here, at this point.

This tiny baby who we had been terrified to even love and hold is now not just this rainbow baby, but she has grown in to this young girl starting school this year.

I’m not one of those Mums who want them to stop growing, I’ve already a child who did, but it certainly does go really quickly. Too quick. Blink and you almost miss their infancy.

I never imagined after Melody’s death, we would ever get to this point; many people believe we had Mini as a replacement, or that we only had her because Melody died, they have even gone as far as saying “If Melody hadn’t died, you wouldn’t have Mini.” When in reality, we had actually made the decision to give Melody a younger sibling not long after Melody had been born – in fact my crazy hormones thought two weeks were long enough to make the “next” baby decision. The only thing that wasn’t in the plan of family planning was having a daughter die.

I know I have already had two children begin their school life, their beginnings were also emotional, so this really isn’t new. But it is different, I share them with their Dad (and quite rightly so), I’ve never had to do daily school runs, the get ups. The school time has been shared.

I’ve never really felt like a school run Mum, no fault of anyone, I am presuming that is how co-families can feel in shared activities such as these. It is normal to us.

Now Mr Red and I have a daughter who is beginning school. She has never really spent a great deal of time away from us; not many days out away from us. A friend took her out a few times for the day when I was down with HG, I have probably spent 3-4 nights away from her, her whole life, now she will be entering into the school system, every day (albeit half days to begin with). I just cannot imagine her being anywhere other than home or pre-school, even then we cut her hours back, if I had the intelligence, I would have looked into home schooling.

Her new adventures are just around the corner, huge steps will be taken and new things she will come to learn, she is like a sponge, she takes so much in, her imagination is amazing particularly when role playing, the different voices, the different scenarios she comes up with, we’ve always been told she is emotionally intelligent.. Bloody head strong.

It is amazing how one email, with basically one sentence, one important sentence can cause so many emotions.

I just hope the choice we make is the right one.

Our baby girl IS growing up.

I like it.

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Easter Break 2017

Anniversary and Car Boot Sales

We have been lucky enough to have my husband home for the whole of the Easter break. Boy Red had an inset day for his last day of term, where we paid a visit to soft play, which wasn’t the best of experiences, with Mini Red falling over and face planting the floor, cutting her lip, bruising her gum making one tooth wobble and the other moved back, not the best start to the half term break.

We of course dealt with the 5th anniversary of Melly Red’s death; it is always a lot harder than her birthday. We paid her a visit, and then went to McDonald’s for lunch and a trip to the shops, with an epic tantrum from the baby, with family board games in the evening.

Biggest Red and Boy Red went to their Dad’s, whilst we took ourselves off to a Car Boot Sale. I love a good Car Boot, we don’t really go very often, more so because we have enough of our own shit to get rid of, without buying other people’s too, (and because we forget about them most of the time).

Mini Red got a cuddly Pig – any more cuddlies and I think we could have our own Zoo for cuddly toys. Baby Red a baby doll, loves her dolls does this one, she even got it for free, she had spied it, we said no, she then looked all puppy-eyed at the stall holder and the stall holder let her have it, cuteness does pay off sometimes. I brought myself a wicker style basket, I still would like the traditional kind, but I’ve since really fallen in love with it, and so has Baby Red, at 50pence too!

Walking It Out

April 3rd saw us go for a large walk, spreading awareness for the baby loss group, handing out leaflets to various health care professionals, some were more helpful than others, but I must learn to big my Bridget Jones’ on and deal with them, baby loss isn’t about Cupcakes and Rainbows, nor is it a subject to be forgotten, I could hand out the big girl panties to them – maybe. Walking over 10,000 steps including to the furthest surgery from us, as my poor husband has been suffering with a leg ulcer, not a big one, but there all the same. He’d been trying to get an appointment for a few weeks but failed due to his hours, the surgery has been fully booked. At time of writing this (16th April), it really has cleared up, and is hopeful for only one more final clinic session.

Primark and Beauty

Bristol was our next adventure, we’d originally planned a “date day”, we rarely get time to ourselves as a couple, my thoughts on this does make me feel a little on the Mummy guilt, but I do think we need time to adult, and remember who we are as a couple. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control our child free day wasn’t meant to be, instead the littlest girls joined us, we decided to visit Bristol; where I managed to top up the Biggest Red’s birthday gifts by visiting the huge Primark..Blimey, I could have spent a fortune in there, if I had a fortune of course, it was lovely, even managed to get the Boy a Bon Jovi t-shirt. For lunch we decided on Zaa Zaa Bazaar. Huge food hall, where it is an all you can eat, with foods from many areas around the world. It is great if you haven’t tried different foods, but don’t want to waste your money on going to say a Chinese restaurant and discover you hate the food.

We had a day at home, where we said goodbye to our push chair, well one of them. The push chair we’d had from Mini Red to Baby Red went to the skip a while ago. But this one had been in our downstairs toilet for ages, and was unloved and unused. It is kind of like an end of an era. No more pushchairs here. We still have carriers, which are also getting used less and less. Strange, these things will never be part of our lives again (unless of course there are grandbabies).

In the evening I took Biggest to the Cinema, with friends to watch the new Beauty and The Beast film, it was amazing, and really want to see it again, the down side of course was the cost sadly, so we may have to wait until the DVD release, but it was lovely to go, I hadn’t been since 2011, during which we were celebrating our marriage and went to see Pirates of the Caribbean.

Is the summer coming?

We had a couple days of glorious weather, although we still haven’t reached the heat status, but it has been nice to be minus the grey, miserable clouds, we took a walk to our local Nature Reserve, it is free and incredibly peaceful. My husband proposed to me there, I am so pleased he did. I have taken the children there right form babies, and have taken the first of their tiny steps here too, so sweet watching them chase the ducks, although the ducks don’t tend to venture on land as much these days.

Mr Red and I did eventually managed a couple of hours down time, with our friends met via the Majorettes, we had food without chasing one around the eatery or making sure they’re not throwing peas around the room, we ate, I drank alcohol, 2.5 drinks was enough for me (double Archers and Lemonade).

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Birthday Treat

Biggest hit 12 during our Easter break, which was lovely, final year before she hits her teens, which will be interesting. I have no idea where the time has gone, when I look at the smallest girls, then look at her; I cannot believe the time has gone so quickly. She is almost taller than me, and will be very soon I think, we headed out to a National Trust place, only to Barrington Court  not far from here, but the sun was out, and it was warm, also her choice.

Majorette Competitions are now in full swing, we entered our second one, whilst the Mr enjoyed beautiful weather at home, we were all freezing with our coats on. The Bus got us lost, and stuck. In that order. But we arrived there and we arrived home. The children had fun.

Walking took us out on the Monday, one of the Mums who we’d seen Beauty and the Beast with had brought Melly Red a new Windmill, so we took it to her, Baby Red wanted to carry it, but was as big as her.

A quiet few days waiting for the bigger twos arrival home, where we once again went to Zaa Zaa Bazaar for her birthday treat, she took a friend, had a sleep over that evening, we also placed a Padlock for babies taken too soon onto Padlock bridge in Bristol.

Easter Weekend

We did our Easter Activities on Good Friday, due to busy weekend that was ahead of us, I had made them a miniature hamper, which included their Easter Eggs, an item of clothing and a treat each, followed by an Easter egg hunt around the house.

Although chilly, we again took a visit to Barrington, then decided we’d head to Yeovil to their Nine springs Park, made a nice change, and again all free.

Easter Saturday we had a Majorette Fundraiser which involved a Disco, Minion Hunt and a Bonnet Competition. Was busy, we had the A-Team to set up, made for a successful fundraiser.

Today, Easter Sunday the bigger two went to their Dad’s to have fun, while we took a trip to Exmoor Zoo, with my Mum in Law, Brother in Law and his Girlfriend. It was bloody freezing, but was a lovely trip out, great range of animals, from Pumas and Cheetahs to Lemurs and Meerkats, which Baby Red fell in love with; she now has her own cuddly one. They were able to pet Wallabies; a couple of them had Joeys in their pouches. The girls thoroughly enjoyed themselves, were both in awe of the animals, so I guess, we’ll be on the hunt now to explore more Zoos.

A perfect way to spend Easter Sunday.

If you’d read my previous post I have been struggling with a bloody dark cloud hanging over my head at the moment, I’ve taken my surroundings in more, taken a step back from my once favourite social media outlet, it has helped. I can’t see myself ever leaving it, but a break and less time has certainly helped. Although I find I am spending more time on Instagram, there’s just something about it I like. I’m still not feeling great, I wish I could see when I will feel myself again, because I hate being up and down, I don’t know where I am, having Mr Red home has helped immensely, of course having the children home rather than at school has helped too.

Mr Red goes back to work tomorrow; it’ll be me and the girls. Lovely.

Thank you for reading.

The Red Head Diaries.

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I was on a break

I took a step away from large scale blogging, I’ve been using Instagram..I like it there. As you can see in my break I decided I needed a new place to write, as you’ll see if you read in the ‘About’ section, I didn’t feel a bond with The Wet Wipe Diaries. My love for writing has been diminishing. Which as I have had another Butterfly Award Nomination (Not sure how deserving!) I need to find the love as a whole again.

You see I’ve not really been well, my love for anything has really suffered. I’ve been fighting with what they call the ‘Black Dog’. I can’t quite bring myself to use the words which begin A &D, because I can’t admit to suffering them either.

I feel silly for even ‘suffering’ from it. That isn’t to put anyone who does down, but I am the supporter, I support people, and this A&D isn’t even anything to do with my actual grief, large scale I guess it may do, I have never felt as lonely as I have these last few months. Of course there was the period of isolation after losing Melly Red, people couldn’t handle our loss, and if I’m honest I couldn’t handle the way they dealt with us., as far as people saying they’re jealous on how we have handled what has been thrown, or couldn’t handle our strength…What is that all about?

But you get back up.

I’ve found parenting Baby Red particularly difficult, this makes me sound like an awful, awful person, this hasn’t helped a thing. Guilt ridden feelings, has just added to the pit of despair (gosh I really am not that dramatic).

It all has just built up and built up.

I let the isolation and loneliness get on top of me, I have been drowning.

A week or so ago I found myself completely breaking to my husband, sobbing until I couldn’t breathe, no idea of stopping, I had no idea of a way out – well I still don’t.

I’m living through thick fog, each way I turn I can’t see or find a way out, darkness falls each time. Yet I feel like a fraud, because I have my beautiful family, they are all that should matter, I am lucky.

It is almost like a light has gone out, and the electrician has gone on strike, I concentrate on too many negative things, yet ignore the positives I have achieved.

I hate feeling this low, because it only seems to plummet me further into isolation. To the outside world, to the people who see me Face to Face I’m a show, but underneath it takes my everything to leave the house, even school runs I have great difficulty in.

Yet I feel so embarrassed that I feel this way, I shouldn’t..but I do.

I don’t want to feel this way, I am desperately trying to feel better.

This has been difficult to write, I must say. I find it so easy to speak about Melly Red.

I admire anyone who has to deal with this fog on a daily basis for years and managing to still breathe.

 

I have had a wonderful few days, laughed – with tears. I’m hoping this will be the best medicine, because I can’t feel like this forever.

I need to make friends with myself, for the first time.

 

Happier posts, and laughter are the best medicine.

 

 

The Red Head Diaries – blog

April The Goodbyes.

Is to me always the final month of Melody memories, the months where I can have an excuse to speak about her, almost like permission to speak, which I really don’t need..do I?

Thursday 12th April was the final time we saw her, the final time we touched her, I don’t think it is something I will ever accept, having child I can no longer see, it just isn’t right.

Of course Friday 13th was the day we finally say goodbye. It was a word, I’d never wanted to use in the hospital, I felt it was such an important, such a powerful word, I was scared to use it whilst she was here and so fragile. It is such a final thing to say.

Then we had no choice but to say it.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the raw numb feeling I felt in the days and weeks that followed her death. The numbness still remains, my cesarean section area still feels numb, no-one expects me to make that heal quicker. I’m ok with numb.

Everything changed, everything still changes.